The Drunken Confessional

Two weeks ago, Bill came home and told me "we" would be having something "businessy" to go to in two weeks. That was him giving me my "official" notice. And then every couple of days since then he's sure to mention it so I won't be able to claim "no knowledge" of said event when it is here and I try not to go. As I've stated before, I have EXTREME social anxiety. I now KNOW that is what's wrong, but knowing it has not curbed it AT ALL. In fact, the older I get, the worse it has gotten. I'm not sure why, and after the fact, I always look back and say "oh that wasn't so bad" but getting me there is another matter altogether.

So, "the thing" is on Saturday, and I am already working myself into a tizzy. Bill tells me it will be fine and that EVERYONE ALWAYS says how much they LOVE ME and how much fun they think I am. But....

I come across as drunk.

But I'm not.

I will give you my most recent example of my anxiety drunkeness. This is a TRUE & ACCURATE recounting. But I have to start with a bit of backstory, (here's your warning it may be a long post.)

Our ward (church congregation) got split 6 months ago. We got a new Bishop (he's kind of like a pastor). We got new callings (church jobs) and all was well.

So about a month ago, we get a call saying the bishop wants to see us. IMMEDIATLY I go into panic/anxiety mode. Why does he want to see us? It can't be about callings cause we just got them. And all these things go racing through my head. So I have 5 days between the phone call to set the appointment up and the actual appointment time. I am a WRECK. (And its not because he's the bishop, its because he's an adult and they FREAK ME OUT & SCARE ME!)

We go to the appointment and everyone shakes hands, says "Hi" and we sit down. IMMEDIATLY I start rattling things off like I'm in a Catholic Confessional Booth. The man had not said one word yet, other than Hi.

I say: (You have to read all this without taking a breath and talk REALLY fast to get the whole affect.)

"Your probably wondering why I'm not going to Sunday School. I go to Sacrament but by time it's done - I'm done. But don't get offended I have A.D.D., I can't sit still that long. I don't even go to the movies. It KILLS me to have to sit that long, so see, it's not a "Church thing" I have a problem with...it's me and the whole sitting still part without doing anything. Unless it's good speakers, than I can usually make it all the way through depending on who's teaching Sunday School. Oh yeah, I also still eat Tiramasu when I go to Sauce even though i know now what's in it. I know I shouldn't, but it's just SO GOOD! Maybe I never should have looked for the recipe online, than I wouldn't have known it has coffee in and could still "technically" eat it guilt free, right? Same with coffee ice cream. I LOVE it. But that's just artificial flavoring, so is that okay or is it bad? If it's bad I don't want to know. But I don't drink coffee, even though I LOVED it, so thats good, right? So, I just eat coffee flavored products. Is that semantics? Also, I probably say things I shouldn't, I'm the sailor in my family, I'm working on it though. Well, not really, but sometimes I THINK about maybe working on it. Oh yeah, I also watch some shows I probably shouldn't watch, but I DVR them and watch them EARLY in the morning when the kids are asleep. The kids don't watch them. But I've been to hell and back so I KNOW what to stay away from and what not to do, so I'm not in danger of being tempted to do those kinds of things, I just find these shows really well written or funny. So yeah. Oh yeah, music too. Same thing, I just listen to it in the car, no kids around. Also, I wear underwear when I go get a massage, so i should get points for that too, right?...

At this point I happen to glance over at Bill who is sitting there just STARRING at me with his mouth kind of open and this very strange look on his face. Then I look at the Bishop who has the EXACT SAME LOOK on HIS face.

I'm all like "What?"

And the Bishop says to me (in kind of a shell-shocked slow paced tone,)
"So... I just wanted to call you in to see how you guys are doing and how you like your callings. And are the older boys going to be around during the summer, do you think they'd like to go to Scout Camp?"

oh.

okay.

ummm.....

Bill says, "I promise she wasn't drinking before we left the house, I don't know WHAT'S wrong with her."

Thanks.

* * * *

That is the scene EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. When I have to deal with grown-ups, I just get SO ANXIETY ridden that I talk complete & utter non-sense. I sweat uncontrollably and it's just a BIG mess. And the fact that I OVER THINK every little thing doesn't help matters. I can't describe it other than it's kind of like an out of body experience. Like me watching a train wreck but being able to do nothing about it. It's weird and I hate it.

So I have 2 more days of this mental torture, than I will give my "performance."

****SIGH****


NOTE: I will probably get paranoid and delete this post after a bit unless I hear from D. or S. that I have nothing to worry about in terms of content. They are my moral compass guides. They could tell me that smoking crack in the corner is totally acceptable and I would consider it gospel.